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ALTERNATIVE CLOTHING STORES, SHOPPING ON MELROSE IN LOS ANGELES: COSMO OF FLASHER & SPEED BOUTIQUES.


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Gather round, children, and listen to the twisted tale of the Adventure Team’s shopping trip! We began the mission by posing fiercely in Santa Monica. (I stole Lemon’s velvet navy blazer with gold military buttons. Ementhy stole my grey skull scarf.)

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Look what we found in the Giant Robot store on Sawtelle: my Crazy, Wacky Theme Restaurants book, which has a full-page color photo of Yukiro as the Cheshire Cat! (You know you want a copy… click here for info.)

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Onwards to Melrose, one of my favorite LA shopping spots for vintage/alternative/Goth clothing. There’s free parking in the side streets (you’ll want to hit the Melrose strip between Spaulding and Formosa). In a used CD store, I picked up a little something by The Creatures.

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Being cash-strapped means we go nuts for anything free — so when we heard that The Coffee Bean & Tea Leaf was giving out free chai lattes between 4-7pm, we arrived on their doorstep at 4:01.

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While Yukiro tried on flaming black and white pants, Lemon and K made beckoning hand sweeps.

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Danger! Danger! We wandered into Speed, the Melrose lair of Liza-Minelli-flamboyant Cosmo. He grabbed my boys and started dressing (and molesting) them like Barbie dolls, all the while spewing “scandalacious” one-liners in a scratchy voice…

“It’s like you’ve got gonorrhea and God gave you a lifetime supply of Vagasil. It’s like you call your crack dealer and all they’ve got left is Vagasil. It’s so f*#%-ing sick, it’s totally SICK!”

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Cosmo made sure to primp and fondle the boys until they looked “Vagasil, like so totally SICK.” When he couldn’t zip up Lemon’s $600 jacket, he tore it off…. and flung it onto the sidewalk! (Dramatique!)

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Cosmo whispered to Ementhy (center): “I’ll give you this jacket free in return for a blow job.” He winked and jabbed his thumb towards the back: “There’s a bathroom over there.” (Choose Your Own Adventure time: did Ementhy take him by the hand and lead him to toilet? Or did he back away slowly, slowly?)

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Cosmo’s second in command was a bouncing Asian boy who sang, “Tutus, we’ve got tutus!”

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Here is the finished result. Are you laughing as hard as I am?

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Time for a nap and Tao Te Ching readings… until the next adventure!

Have you been to Speed or Flasher, Cosmo’s boutiques on Melrose? Do you have any strange and fabulous stories of over-zealous store clerks?

Song of the Day #314: Gackt – Black Stone (for the raven-haired K, who always poses like his beloved Gackto!)

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