It’s an “ii o-tenki” day at Hello Kitty Land. Ronan is content with riding the Sanrio Choo-Choo train, but Carmina grows bored and drags him, kicking and screaming, into the Tokyo Goth Haunted House. The duo is strapped into seats and about to launch into pitch darkness –-quick! Climb in and join us on our terrifying ride. (Remember, the following commentary is made with tongue firmly in cheek. Photos from Style Arena.)

Suddenly, a ghoul materializes and bares his fangs.

BOTH: Ahhhhhhhh!
CARMINA: Wait, it’s only DJ Chihiro! Doesn’t he look spook-tastic?
RONAN: I’m just concerned for his health. Is it infected?
CARMINA: You mean the dripping blood? I’m pretty sure it came from someone else’s body.
RONAN: Oh, well in that case, it all makes sense. Thanks.
CARMINA: Doo itashimashite.
RONAN: This reminds me of an extremely (i.e., not very) on-point anecdote, in which I was listening to a song with a close friend of The Committee and she insisted a critical pre-chorus lyric was “I need my eye medicine!”, which is really an alarming and not very eloquent thing to throw into a pop song, you know?
CARMINA: Err…
RONAN: So we had a disagreement about that. Okay, that wasn’t very on-point, now was it? As promised.
CARMINA: Right then… moving along…

Flames shoot from the walls as the ride enters “Satan’s Lair.” An undead lady pops out of a cave and bats her eyes.

CARMINA: Those devil-tails could put out someone’s eye… and she wears them as lashes!
RONAN: She’s a brave one.
CARMINA: Ah, notice – she wears contact lenses with giant white highlights. They make her look like an anime character.
RONAN: True. This looks like a lot of effort went into it. I can get behind that.

The ride plummets into a haunted circus; Carmina, being deathly afraid of clowns, clings to Ronan.

CARMINA: Hey, this pierrot isn’t so scary! She’s a cross between drag queen and… Dragon Queen.
RONAN: This is actually sort of cute. Reminds me of Fellini’s La Strada… Giulietta Masina! She was so cute!
CARMINA: I’m more frightened by the “Yes We Can” poster behind her.
RONAN: I think they probably need a better Obama reference photo. But I appreciate the effort.

The next spook: a dark nymph with a hypnotic stare.

CARMINA: I like her ruby red hair color.
RONAN: I don’t know how I feel about the extra-wide mouth. What’s up with that?
CARMINA: It’s Jack Skellington theatricality. Notice the fake gashes on her arm. Or are they real?
RONAN: Yeah, not sure about the whole mutilation-chic aesthetic.

The ride courses through the Vampire theme restaurant.

CARMINA: At least this girl got stitched back up. I am a fan of the dramatic bottom lashes.
RONAN: Those are pretty decent contacts, from a technical perspective. They don’t have the dot matrix effect you get with cheap costume contacts. So, you know, well done etc etc.
CARMINA: The ride’s over. Are you ready to join the party? I can razor off your eyebrows and half your head of hair, and stitch your mouth back up after slicing it open…
RONAN: …Maybe next time.

But there is no next time. With arms outstretched and fangs bared, the J-spooks slither towards their oblivious victims… auggghhh!
(For more non sequitur fashion commentary, check out this blog category.)

A few J-rock/Visual Kei notes… (you can see daily updates on my Twitter):
† Jasmine You, the bassist of the magnificent group Versailles, has to suspend tour/recording activities due to poor health! Sending good thoughts to Jasmine and the band. (I was blown away when I saw them live last year.)
† Kanon Wakeshima recently performed in San Francisco and sat down for a long interview with Global Comment. Read about her thoughts on Gothic Lolita style and Mana.
† I photographed Somnium in Tenebris in Kokusyoku Sumire’s cafe for my Theme Restaurants book. To celebrate the launch, her team Sakura Syndrome (a Greece-based promoter of Japan music/culture) is featuring the band and my book this month. Check out the site for more info.

Pulsing lights, clustered crosswalks… you gotta love Tokyo! Here’s what the brand new 0101 department store, Marui One Shinjuku, looks like on the approach. Right inside is Quolomo, a t-shirt/casualwear brand that collaborates with Hello Kitty, Play Set Products, and Studio Pierrot (above right).

Further down, you’ll find Hello Kitty and her friends, including bags and toys from the h.NAOTO collaboration. Funky Street Star (below) is another addictive stop for kawaii souvenirs.

The FRUiTS MiX is on the second floor, and I wasn’t too impressed by the selection. Overpriced vintage (eg: faded Nintendo leggings), a few funky indie designer pieces, and a stack of magazines… it reminded me of the old saying, “style can’t be bought.” I did enjoy Spank’s cuddly pastel corner, where I picked up my black velvet “Goth Alice” headband for $15. I also liked the high-contrast art panels between each floor.

Over the next few days, we’ll keep going up the escalator to gawk at Blythe dolls, Jesus Diamante shoes, Lolita dresses, and more! Have you been to the new Marui One Shinjuku? Do you prefer it to the old one?

Okay, Marilyn Manson contest time! We had over 100 entries – thanks so much! Using random number generator, I narrowed the 3-word descriptions of Manson down to fifteen:

Unique Villain Model — aggressively fantastic dick — sexy little devil — ENIGMATIC CLEVER PERSONA! — UNABASHED WRITHING EVIL — 1-art 2-dark & 3-wow — Ghoulish Idea Monger — sweetest creep ever — Sadomasochistic aural bliss — Devil’s Beautiful Vampire — Ghoul-Eyed Guy — God’s Freak Show — Lucifer’s Eccentric Iniquity :) — gods private joke — “Indivisually Infinated Inspiry”

Then, the almighty Committee (Ronan, Basil Farrow and I) picked our favorite.

RONAN: Maybe UNABASHED WRITHING EVIL or Sadomasochistic aural bliss.
CARMINA: I kinda like the funny ones, like God’s private joke, Ghoul-Eyed Guy. Hm… or we can let Basil decide somehow.
RONAN: Yeah, I don’t have strong feelings. Let Basil pick.
CARMINA: Right side or left side of his face? I’ll count the whiskers and that’s the number.
RONAN: Left.
CARMINA: I only counted the long, thick ones. He has 13! So the winner is Lucifer’s Eccentric Iniquity :)
RONAN: Ahahah, I like that one! Basil is never wrong.
CARMINA: NEVER.

So congrats to Yana K (who also purchased something from my Online Garage Sale)! You’ll soon receive a 7-inch vinyl signed by Marilyn Manson and his band!

And after a long absence… the two-member Committee is back! La Carmina is, of course, the girl who brings you Tokyo alternative fashion on this blog. Ronan has a few accomplishments but is best known for being Basil Farrow’s father. His second claim-to-fame is his embarrassing inability to differentiate men from women (as evidenced in the Visual Kei Guessing Game). In this edition, we deconstruct DJ Sisen of Tokyo Decadance, Dark Castle, and other Gothic nocturnal haunts. It’s all in good fun, so put on your humor hats and read on!

RONAN: Carmina, I thought I told you to take off your goggles in the house. Also, there is something on this person’s back. Swat it off for her.
CARMINA: That’s…. a boy. You and your inability to differentiate!
RONAN: Oh no. Palm to face. Again.
CARMINA: AGAIN! Seriously, you thought DJ Sisen was a girl?
RONAN: It’s a problem! I have a problem!
CARMINA: Stick a pacifier in your mouth and suck. It’ll make you feel better.

RONAN: So is the second photo the same person from the waist down?
CARMINA: It sure is.
RONAN: I…am now even more disturbed about your gender claims.
CARMINA: Those hipbones…
RONAN: DJ whatsit waxes? You know what, let’s not discuss.
CARMINA: He’s wearing a well-known Japanese cyber brand, Takuya Angel.
RONAN: Moving swiftly along, as dude skirts go, this one is… cheerful. I dig the Hello Kitty ripoff sidekick.
CARMINA: You’d wear it?
RONAN: Hells yeah, I’ll wear a stuffed animal on my skirt. The bag looks recently deceased, but at least it matches the other recently deceased thing on his back.
CARMINA: At least it’s obviously faux fur. No Basils died in the making of this outfit
RONAN: Yes. We are pro faux here. You know, say what you want, but this outfit requires commitment. Homegirl takes his dead-animal-wearing-anime-clown-skirt seriously. And I can get behind that.
CARMINA: He does this on a nightly basis at Tokyo clubs.
RONAN: Bless him.
CARMINA: He often wears a neon green penis barrette in his cyber dreads.
RONAN: Ah, the classic cyber-dread-penis-barrette look. I hear it goes great with a suit.
CARMINA: I’ll make you a pink one to wear to your next shindig.
RONAN: I’ll take it. Now do I get my cat back?
CARMINA: We’ll let him decide whether he wants to live with mommy or daddy. (slips Basil a vial of catnip)
RONAN: I can see where this is going. Ruh roh. Just promise not to wear him out to clubs, okay? DJ Sisen might skin him.

CARMINA: Too late.
RONAN: There’s something to be said for a woman who knows how to wear a fake dead cat with conviction. Hats off, Carmina.
CARMINA: Pants off, Basil’s father!

Curtains and a round of tomatoes! For more witty repartee, check out The Committee category. The credits roll to one of my favorite Italodance tracks…

Ronan requested The Committee’s assistance in finding him a new jacket, and so we browsed the Urban Outfitters website together. I grew bored with his indecision and began clicking on the women’s apparel links. I rarely visit Urban – I try to avoid wearing anything you might see on another human being – but this t-shirt with a laser cutout of a spider web ($30) caught my attention. I prodded Ronan: “Buy it for meee!” He immediately logged off.

If you can’t convince boys to buy you clothes, you’ll simply have to deconstruct them yourself. I dragged out an old Lithium dress from 2005; it was a rejected clothing sample, and for good reason – I was never able to make it work (top right). Time for some scissors action.

I turned the dress inside-out, traced a cobweb on the back, and carefully cut it out. I decided to wear the dress reverse-forward, which transforms it into a corset…

…with trailing Gothic Aristocrat tuxedo tails! I wore the spider corset over a white, long-sleeve Banana Republic top, a Betsey Johnson lace-and-bows skirt…

…and a ridiculous Gothic Rococo meets Kentucky Derby hat. (You may recognize this monstrosity from my Vancouver Sun newspaper interview.) I picked up the huge-brimmed hat in NYC’s Garment District (around $25), and clipped on a silver fabric flower and gauzy grey fabric for a veil. It sits on the world’s spookiest hatstand – a mannequin head that I decorated to look like (no joke) DJ Chihiro of Tokyo Dark Castle. The decapitated DJ serves a dual function… I’ll spill the beans in a later post.

CARMINA: What would it take to get you into these?
RONAN: …Someone really hot wearing them?
CARMINA: HAHAHA!
RONAN: That… tends to be my policy on underwear.
CARMINA: These undies are for your gender, you know. So, David Beckham in lace tighty-whities would be a yes?
RONAN: They’re for DUDES?
CARMINA: Hello!!?? Do you not see the flap?
RONAN: Don’t ask me to decipher what’s going on in those photos!
CARMINA: What would the purpose be otherwise?
RONAN: I see lace and my brain stops functioning. Well, my assessment is not gender transferable. These would be a dealbreaker on a dude. I would seriously question the judgment of any man who would slip into such lacy atrocities. Wouldn’t you?
CARMINA: I guess these belong under the Visual Kei skirt.

CARMINA: Ok, what’s going on here?
RONAN: Well, the fronts looked suspicious, but they’re bizarre looking anyway. Who am I to question these Gothic Lolita disasters?
CARMINA: What is the purpose of the cigarettes? The horizontal opening held together by two bows?
RONAN: I shudder to think. I can’t get excited about undies, even with cigarettes and lace.
CARMINA: Not even these??

RONAN: Where in god’s name do you dig up these things?
CARMINA: In my closet!
RONAN: So you’re a girl that wears guy’s panties that look like they’re for girls. I’m so confused right now.
CARMINA: Actually, these ones are girl’s panties. And I’m joking – you know what I really wear.
RONAN: I know, I know. Nothing, sometimes!
CARMINA: SOMETIMES?
RONAN: hahahah

CARMINA: Finally, what do we think of these? They look like they’d itch.
RONAN: My chest is itchy.
CARMINA: Huh? Did you just shave?

Apparently, I’m not alone. I found photos of gender-bending J-rockers and enlisted Ronan (from the venerable Committee) to guess whether each person is a woman or a very pretty man. You can play along too! Give yourself one point for every correct answer. Cue game show music and flashing lights… audience bursts into applause… and we’re on the air!

RONAN: Are those one person?
CARMEN: No, it’s three different people.
RONAN: Oh god, this is a tough one, even for me. The trouble is they don’t have ankles or hands clearly visible.
CARMEN: They have sizeable hands.
RONAN: I’d be able to tell in person. My best guess… Can I use a lifeline? Can I poll the audience? Mommy!
CARMEN: I don’t think your mom can help you with this one.
RONAN: I’m going to guess… All men.
CARMEN: DING DING DING!
RONAN: Score!

RONAN: These ones are more convincing, so the fear of the trap is all the more heady.
CARMEN: Ah, yes. The danger of the tranny surprise.
RONAN: I’m going to call tranny surprise on all of these lovely she-men. Male, male, male, male.
CARMEN: Um….
RONAN: Male.
CARMEN: There you go. And the answer is…. ALL MAN, ALL THE TIME!
RONAN: Oh I am good! Take that!
CARMEN: Try this one on for size.

RONAN: 2 and 4 are definitely men.
CARMEN: Is that your final answer?
RONAN: Let me look one more time. Again, we have obscured critical traits, like necks, wrists, and ankles. Yes, I’m going to call weener on 2 and 4.
CARMEN: Certain wrists are indeed delicate here.
RONAN: Ah! A clue, a clue!
CARMEN: So, 2 and 4 are men, and 1 and 3 are women?
RONAN: I didn’t say anything about 1 and 3 yet. I’m doing this one piecemeal.
CARMEN: Wait, you want me to answer those first?
RONAN: Yes.
CARMEN: Hm… I think you can’t do that.
RONAN: I make the rules as I go, byatch.
CARMEN: You’re afraid of failure! Of staring into the laughing faces of our blog readers!
RONAN: Don’t start flaunting your authoritah with me!
CARMEN: Ok, I’ll tell you because it won’t make a difference. Everyone in this picture… meow meow meow! All kitties.
RONAN: What… what…. NOOOOOOOOOOO! NOOOOOOOO! NOOOOOOOOOO!
CARMEN: Dum dum dooooooonnng.
RONAN: Nooooooo! Okay I’m… I’m recovered a little.
CARMEN: This is what you get for trying to game the system. But I will be nice. I will give you two out of four.
RONAN: Sniff. Thanks Carmen.

RONAN: Okay, we’re doing this one at a time, left to right. Umm… I almost said girl, then noted something. I may have just saved myself from the brink.
CARMEN: What did you notice?
RONAN: A certain lack of hip.
CARMEN: The audience oooohs.
RONAN: I don’t know, I had a sudden pang of doubt.
CARMEN: To play devil’s advocate… everyone here IS Japanese.
RONAN: Ahah! A fair point, emcee.
CARMEN: A lack of hip is not unusual.
RONAN: I’m going to say… Boy boy on the first two.
CARMEN: You are on the brink, this is for sure. This time… You didn’t fall in!
RONAN: Yes! Hallelujah! Kiss the children for me Marie Jean, I’m coming home with the big prize after this!
CARMEN: Don’t be too sure, my friend. Let’s finish the other two. What sayeth ye?
RONAN: I call boy on numero tres. I see crotch bulge.
CARMEN: I think your eyes are playing tricks on you.
RONAN: What… what!?! It can’t… be!
CARMEN: It isn’t. It is a folded piece of fabric. Still…. it’s a BOY!
RONAN: YES! I’m weeping. My keyboard is moist with tears of joy and agony.
CARMEN: How about sweet Mar on the right?
RONAN: This is the big kahuna. This may be my Waterloo, folks. The deception is immaculate. The contents of the dress… inscrutable! Still, we have a trend here. I’m going to say… boy.
CARMEN: Oh dear. I will show you a video of Mar. And then you can tell me for certain.
RONAN: Video evidence!? Mein gott. A new wrinkle entirely.
CARMEN: Hahah we make it up as we go. That’s how this blog works.
RONAN: A new crease in the suspiciously bulging loins of this exercise, if you will.

RONAN: Ahah! The deception crumbles instantly in motion and decent lighting.
CARMEN: Not to mention you hear Mar TALK at the end of the video.
RONAN: The entire challenge here derives from airbrushed, obscurely lit stills. I’m sorry, but boy number four fails. I call vas deferens on him.
CARMEN: I don’t see a bulge… but I see an Adam’s apple. The audience erupts! We’ve got two more….

RONAN: I have no doubt that the top three are men.
CARMEN: Men on top? So heteronormative!
RONAN: The telling murmur of testosterone sings in these veins. What can I say, I’m a traditionalist.
CARMEN: Right, you don’t wear pink dresses on the weekends.
RONAN: Don’t assume too much about my weekend activities. Number five gave me some hesitation, but the size of hand clinched it. It’s a man, baby. Two times.
CARMEN: Feathers, long hair, skirts…. and you call the bottom two MEN?
RONAN: I’m an old pro, Carmina. I’ve learned the wisdom of caution.
CARMEN: If you keep this up, you’ll never end up with a surprise package under the skirt. These two got meat!
RONAN: I hope I don’t have to go under the skirt to find my prize.
CARMEN: You may not emerge alive… or unsoiled.
RONAN: And still I fight on. For you and the children, Debbie Jean.
CARMEN: I thought her name was Marie Jean.
RONAN: Erm… Debbie… Marie… Goes by many names. cough
CARMEN: By the way, folks, this blog is read by over five million viewers. Ok, last round! If you prevail… you may score higher than ALL the readers who are playing along! So far, you’ve only called two lovely ladies manly. How about this group?

RONAN: Okay, this is tough. Soft-focus lighting. A deadly obstacle to success.
CARMEN: Unless you’re in a dim nightclub trying to score. The clock is a-ticking. A-tick, a-tock.
RONAN: Oh boy. I’m at a loss here. The faces are too distant, too foggy! Throw me a bone, people! Jennifer Leslie, I may never make it back to you now!
CARMEN: Good grief, how many she-males are you juggling? I will throw you a crumb. How do people signify if “it’s a girl” or “it’s a boy”?
RONAN: Yin and Yang? I’m into the Asian aesthetic here.
CARMEN: It’s throwing you off.
RONAN: Your hint is too obscure? Am I right audience?
CARMEN: The audience knows! They’re whispering amongst themselves! J.Lo is in the audience and even SHE is scoffing!
RONAN: J.Lo can cram it, she’d have just as much trouble if she were up here, subjected to the glare of the spotlight!
CARMEN: Time to choose: Man or Woman? Or the prize goes up the skirt forevahhh!
RONAN: Okay. Girl in the very front. Boy on the right. Boy in the back in gold. How am I doing, people!?
CARMEN: I already gave you not one, but TWO clues already!
RONAN: On the left in green, the face says girl, the hand says boy. I’m consulting a lifeline on these last two. I’m calling a friend. Merle is getting on the phone right now.
Brrring! Brring!
RONAN: Merle is uncertain!
CARMEN: J.Lo is getting up and walking out.
MERLE: Green is a boy, black is a girl? Though possibly a boy. ASIANS ARE TRICKY.
RONAN: Merle, you are not helping matters! But it looks like my lifelines are all up. Green boy, black girl it is.
CARMEN: J.Lo just had twins. One was a boy, and one was a girl. And people tell babies apart traditionally… by the colors they wear!
RONAN: Green and black do nothing to help, however.
CARMEN: Merle is right. Asians are tricky. And they’re not strictly dickly. But in this case…. except for the one in pink… they ARE!
RONAN: Woah. So how’d I score?
CARMEN: 23 out of 26.
RONAN: Hey! Not bad! Do I get the prize? Hallelujah Lisa Elizabeth, I’m comin’ home! I won the big one!
CARMEN: It’s under the skirt! And it’s getting bigger by the moment!
RONAN: Hoo boy. Let’s not go there today, shall we?

CARMEN: I want to snuggle up in that fiery red shrug.
RONAN: Help, mommy, it burns, take it away!

CARMEN: Aww, Basil wore a similar bonnet!
RONAN: What, did she fall into a laundry machine? Actually, the little stuffed animal of indeterminate species is pretty cute, so there’s a redeeming quality.
CARMEN: Kawaii! That’s Angry, a Goth cat that kills other cats. She stabs them with a giant sword. That’s why she’s covered in blood.
RONAN: I like it. Just be sure to crop out the clothes next time.

RONAN: So, moving on from the laundry room to the… wool shop?
CARMEN: More animals of indeterminate species.
RONAN: Indeed. Everything’s very… hairy, here.
CARMEN: I don’t know about the pink Sasquatch getup, but I am oddly drawn to the feather-like coattails. I’d wear that jacket.

RONAN: Aaaand, again with the hair! Not real fur in this day and age, I hope!?
CARMEN: One day, Basil will wake up bald.
RONAN: Noooo, not our poor kitty! Leave him alone! He’s not a gothic loli cross dresser and he’s not a potential fur coat!

CARMEN: Those pants must have taken forever to lace up.
RONAN: Seriously. Now that’s commitment.
CARMEN: I must say, I’m drooling over the military number on the right. A double row of buttons gets me every time.
RONAN: The one on the right is the best of the bunch, I’ll give you that. If you stripped off the layers of fashion barnacles she’s festooned with, that military dress/coat could be quite acceptable. Stylish even! Imagine!

CARMEN: The dreadlocked hair goes with the homeless vibe, I guess.
RONAN: I like the one moving away from the camera on the right, with her thick funereal-looking mantilla.
CARMEN: Me too. I’m going to wear that at my Goth wedding.
RONAN: That’d go over well with your club kid pals.

RONAN: Okay, I sort of dig the long thingy that looks like it’s trying to be a coat on the left. I mean, the collar is stuck firmly in fashion-as-impractical-art mode, but the rest of it has a certain charm.
CARMEN: I dig the Count Dracula collars.
RONAN: There you go, we just clash again and again!
CARMEN: What’s impractical about that? It keeps the vampires away!
RONAN: It looks ludicrous, Carmen!
CARMEN: Protects your neck!
RONAN: Why do you think I carry such a thorough supply of garlic and stakes at all times? So I can avoid wearing collars like that.

Marui One’s site includes an informative section called LiveJ, with original articles and media about J-pop culture and fashion. There’s a D’espairsRay video; an interview with animator Aimee Major Steinberg about US Goth Loli culture; a two-part analysis of hand painted lacquer chopsticks (random, but awesome).

LiveJ has just posted a nifty “Fashion Brand Review.” The latest offerings from four designers are assembled into “recommended outfits”; you can click on the links to buy the individual pieces from MaruiOne.jp. Ronan and I decided to comment on each showcase:

RONAN: I could see this being something good if it were streamlined a lot. Maybe a little less puffy and busy? Perhaps just the top half with a pair of ordinary jeans?
CARMEN: The skirt especially is too busy.
RONAN: Yes. Too much.
CARMEN: I like the top, without the bow tie. It’s too casino-worker.
RONAN: I agree.
CARMEN: What is with the black appliqué over her right eye? I want to rip it off!

RONAN: Hate everything.
CARMEN: What specifically irks you?
RONAN: I hate it all. There’s not a bit of it I like. That’s all I have to say about it.
CARMEN: I don’t like the detailing on this Black Peace Now jacket, but the cutting and fit are always impeccable. It comes through, even in the midst of this disaster.